just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
