just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
