well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
