Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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