you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just gargled with NyQuil
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
