Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
