At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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