The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
