cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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