How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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