just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
