Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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