made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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