i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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