There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
