the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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