well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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