just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
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By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
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Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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