How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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