well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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