I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
