You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
