I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
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College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
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Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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