well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
