Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
