I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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