During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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