i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
