My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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