last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
