So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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