I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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