You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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