he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
