Tell her she can't have a vagina
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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