The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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