The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
