My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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