Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
