the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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