dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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