just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
