Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
