that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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