Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
But break dance skills will only take you so far
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm too high and old for this...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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