I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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