it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
