u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
