Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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