How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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