i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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