I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
