Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
