Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
