I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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