The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Randomize
