I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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