This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
BRING THE BAGELS
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
