just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My ATM looks so different sober.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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