i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
